First of all, I’d like to reiterate the title: Boys do cry … and that’s okay - be human! “Man up”; “You are crying like a girl”; “Suck it up, princess”; “Be a man” - just a few of the phrases that fuel the idea that men showing emotions emasculates them and that they should be dismissing their feelings. In addition to this, you may have seen in the media that consent has become an extremely controversial and topical issue, which will be addressed in this article. Let’s look at the broader issue and let’s encourage our boys to be human.
Sharing their emotions
Research does suggest that suppressing emotions and conforming to the societal expectation that men shouldn’t cry can result in poorer mental health, including anguish, anxiety and reluctance to reach out for support. Please be assured that we always encourage our students to work on their resilience and build their confidence while also letting them express their feelings and emotions. This is key. In fact, showing emotions and asking for help can show more courage and strength, and can prevent further mental health concerns in the long term.
If our young men and their parents are supportive, have each other’s backs, allow each other to be open and honest, allow each other to cry, it can be much more beneficial to their overall mental health than telling them to “man up”. We want our young men to know they have people who will support them and who will listen to them. This becomes quite hard to do if society is telling them to suck it up and to stop crying out of fear of shame.
Unfortunately in the media there are still many representations of this idea of what it is to “be a man”. Even when men are happy this is an issue, evident in the following two examples. The first is an instance one of our other Counsellors, Liza Adams, noticed: When Thanasi Kokkinakis in the Tennis was asked about his tears over his win he responded, “It was definitely a bit of a soft moment”. We would argue that a) these tears didn’t need to be justified; and b) it wasn’t a soft moment, but an emotional or a human moment. Also, one of New Zealand’s most experienced commentators last year, Keith Quinn, after seeing sportsmen shedding tears of joy, commented on Twitter that modern blokes need to “harden up”. It’s a hard world we’re living in when not even in happiness can a man shed a tear! Imagine if they were in distress!
Consent
In regard to consent education, the school captain from Brisbane Boys’ College has definitely been heard in Australia on his views on toxic masculinity after his powerful speech went viral on the internet (link below). He said that at the core what boys need is “basic acceptance and respect” and that “if a woman wants to say ‘no’, and she says ‘no’, [boys] have to listen, understand and accept this”. Boys need to stand up for what’s right and call out their friends on their behaviour. He says that “seemingly harmless comments can have such devastating effects” and finally calls on his peers to “stop being boys” and “be human”. I urge you to think about this: Our boys don’t “look like men” as a result of misogynistic behaviour, they just look misogynistic. We encourage our students to be "heroic" by standing up for what's right and by being respectful towards people from all walks of life.
Strategies
What can we do as a community to combat these issues?
Talk to them about consent - no means no; don’t pressure anyone if they are not ready to have sexual relations, drugs and alcohol affect consent; anyone has the right to change their minds about wanting to participate in sexual activities; encourage them to ask their partner if they feel comfortable during intimate moments; tell them that it’s okay for them to take a break, slow down or stop.
Encourage your children to share their feelings.
Respond in a calm and non-judgemental way.
Avoid using language that questions their masculinity.
Let them know that it’s okay if they cry and that you would prefer them to talk to you than to hold it in.
If they use misogynistic language that objectifies or degrades others, have a discussion with them about this on the negative impacts it can have.
If there is a mother and a father at home, it is important that both attempt to talk about feelings with their son/s. We all know that some students at times can feel more comfortable with one parent, but try to encourage discussion from both parties wherever possible.
We need to remember that all boys are different and we embrace everyone for their uniqueness and for what they have to offer. We are proud to have such a strong wellbeing team here at CBHS Lewisham that encourages boys to acknowledge their feelings and to work through their struggles.
Resources
Emotions
TV series on the ABC ‘Man Up’, which is a must-see:
Some resources on 'Masculinities and Health' by VicHealth:
Research article from the Australian and New Zealand Mental Health Association:
Peer-review article titled, ‘The role of masculinity in men’s help-seeking for depression: A systematic review:
Consent
Speech from Brisbane Boys’ College’s School Captain:
5 things you need to know about consent from ReachOut.com:
Please don't hesitate to contact us if you have any questions or concerns.
Until next time,
The School Counselling Team