I was recently having a discussion with a couple of primary school teachers about "bad behaviour" in the classroom and their understanding of where this behaviour comes from. I always have to keep myself in check when I have these conversations because it is something I'm very passionate about. As a parent, a teacher, a school counsellor or even a casual observer in public, it is important for each of us to take a step back and look at how this behaviour has come about.
Crucial to my role is helping teachers and parents understand the driving factors that can result in poor behaviour in the classroom. Having worked as a teacher, I understand that there is nothing worse than when all their hard work, preparation, planning, programming, scope and sequence and late nights go out the door when they have the "bad" student or more often than not "bad studentS" in their class .... and they never take it in turns, it is always all at once that Master Angrypants, Princess Refuser, Miss Stubborn, Master Meltdown, Master Sullen (and the list goes on) decide to appear. I am pretty sure that my comment "poor little poppet" was not taken too well when one of the teachers shared the developments of her day. I, of course, was remembering the conversations that I have had over the years with these exact same kids ........ and it is hard to keep our own emotions in check, when we hear the real story from their perspective.
"Kids do well if they can"
This is about understanding behaviour ..... not only our children's behaviour, but our behaviour as well. I think it would be important to get one thing cleared up first though in terms of where I am coming from. I am a huge fan of Dr Ross Greene. He is the founder of Collaborative and Proactive Solutions that is a model of care that is an empirically supported, evidence- based treatment that strongly advocates for the understanding that "Kids will do well if they can" NOT 'Kids will do well if they wanna". To truly understand Dr Greene, it is important that we start looking at behaviour differently. He refers to looking at it through different lenses.
If you believe that children are born with these behaviours already instilled in their being; if you believe they choose their behaviours because they have lot of options; if you believe that kids are "attention-seeking, manipulative, coercive, limit-testing, and poorly motivated", then I would ask that just for a minute you change the lenses through which you are viewing this situation. Believe that there's a story behind the behaviour and be willing to believe that these children with challenging behaviours would do well if they could, and believe that the main reason behind their challenging behaviours is because "they lack the skills they need to meet the expectations put upon them". As it is when you believe all of this that together we can assist these children to be proactive and capable of developing the skills they need to employ adaptive behaviours rather than maladaptive ones.
Most discussions with teachers and parents about challenging behaviours always include at least one sentence that goes something like: "Everybody else was able to follow the direction why couldn't ......." OR "All my other children were able to do what they were told except for ....." OR "He was able to behave yesterday, why couldn't he do it today?" Here are some examples of the lives, the stories, behind the students/children who present with challenging behaviours: a) Master Angrypants is 7 years of age and has listened to his parents argue and yell at each other nearly every night for his whole life. He eats dinner by himself every night and most nights Mum will order takeaway. He has a TV in his room with a Playstation that he is allowed to play nearly all night because Mum and Dad are too busy arguing to worry about what he is doing. He falls asleep whilst playing a game which is normally close to midnight. b) Miss Stubborn is 10 years of age and has been given everything she has ever asked for. Both parents work and she has been cared for by Nannies all her life. She is on to her 2nd passport. She has never heard the word NO until she came to school. c) Master Meltdown is 15 years old. When he was 12 he went into his neighbour's house (which he regularly did) and discovered there had been a murder/suicide. d) Princess Refuser is 14 years old and cannot read. Somehow she has managed to get through the education system without anyone assessing her or picking up on this concern ..... until now. Further investigation finds that her Mum and brothers also cannot read. e) Master Sullen is 8 years old. His Mum died when he was 2 and his Dad remarried when he was 3. He now has 2 step sisters and a half-brother. His step-mother ignores him and belittles him all the time, whilst she constantly praises and supports his siblings. His Dad does not intervene.
All of the above scenarios are based on real life incidents that I have somehow been connected with either as a teacher myself or as a school counsellor. These children were all expected to turn up to school and complete school work and homework and cooperate as if nothing had happened in their lives. The behaviours they present in the classroom have been brought about by the environment they are in, over which they have had no control. As a result of these situations, they have never learnt to develop the skills they need to meet the level of expectation put on them. I can hear the arguments now: "But I know a young person who has been impacted by [insert any number of issues] and they can still behave, and they are not rude". Absolutely ..... and I have seen these too BUT look around you right now ...... as adults do we react and respond to situations thrown at us in the exact same way? Do we all respond to the death of a loved one the same as our siblings? Do you have the same opinion about COVID and lockdowns as other members of your family? Do you have the same talents or inabilities as people you went to school with? Did everybody who was impacted by the bushfires in 2019/2020 respond in the same way? Then why do we expect that our young children would respond to situations the same way too? There are a multitude of reasons why my brother was able to run a marathon and I can't, why your sister cannot get out of her own way yet you are always looking to help those around you ..... WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT AND WE ALL HAVE A STORY!
Our behaviours are a result of the combination of the multitude of incidents and genes and events and people that have been brought together to make us who we are as INDIVIDUALS. Our behaviours are a result of us either having the skills to meet the expectations that are put on us or not having these skills. When our students or our children do not have these skills, we need to help them develop these skills. Punishment and coercion do not achieve this, but understanding, caring, taking time, making a connection does.
As a counselling team we cannot recommend Dr Ross Greene's books and website highly enough. Please click on any of the images or underlined sentences to take you to an array of websites that offer more advice about this topic. We certainly know that this is not easy and we are available to chat with you any time to offer some advice and refer to services that are experts in this area.
Until next time,
The Counselling Team