Fostering Resilience in a Complex World

We are pleased to report that last night we had the opportunity to speak at the P & F Forum about fostering resilience in a complex world. Since “resilience” seems to be one of the current buzzwords, we thought it would be best to see the adolescent from a broader perspective, present studies and research on resilience, and offer some strategies for parents to put in place to help build resilience in their own children. Below we will include some of the main points from the presentation, and also the link with the PowerPoint presentation for your reference: https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1cwmmb01NgaYdWPQav6PSPKAgm8fpYnYsQ_v7Y84hNWA/edit?usp=sharing

First we spoke about the adolescent and their world. Have they really changed that much? If you go through the slides, you will be able to see that even in the 8th Century BC adolescents were referred to as frivolous and reckless. It is important to understand that adolescence is, and always has been, a turbulent period. It is also interesting to note how things have progressed through the different eras and to understand the world of which they are currently part.

Now for some suggestions on what you can do as parents. Please find below a list of some strategies discussed last night with some brief notes:

Allowing them to become more independent

It is important they begin to do some things for themselves - this could be anything from catching the bus or train to school to getting a P/T job.

Giving them a sense of responsibility

In the home, it could be as simple as getting them to do a weekly chore to help the family. At school, this could be encouraging them to see the teacher themselves for concerns they may have and not racing to their aid immediately.

Involvement in sport/cultural/arts/church communities

It is a perfect age for them to be involved in something fun and meaningful, so why not? Not everything has to be involved with school and in fact, we know from research that involvement in community groups such as sporting teams, church communities or extra-curricular activities (e.g. music), can enhance an individual's resilience quite significantly.

Doing things that they don’t necessarily want to do

It is important for them to be able to sit with discomfort and self-regulate. This could be a regular visit to grandma’s house, going to tutoring, etc. How many times do we say, “I hated doing it when I was young, but now I appreciate it”? This was an interesting point of discussion last night, especially the fact that we ourselves can reflect back on the things we were forced to do and know that we were okay and better off.

Structure and boundaries

As parents, it is perfectly fine to have expectations and to put structure and boundaries in place. This could be helping them to organise a study timetable and having set things in place: dinner together as a family every night, no phones at the table, devices off after a certain time, etc. Research has certainly shown that although they might fight against it, adolescents do in fact want boundaries and structure. Fighting the boundaries is almost a natural thing for them to do (don’t we all!), but that does not mean it is always a bad thing.

Allowing down time and switching off

They do not always need to be having fun or to be entertained. They need to let their bodies and minds rest. It seems to be a modern day phenomenon that we feel compelled to fill our children’s lives with activities and entertainment. Essentially this not only stifles their creativity and independence, but it also makes them reliant on others for their life satisfaction.

Not giving in to every demand

As parents, it is perfectly fine to say “no”. It is really important for them to hear this word and to work through this process. It might be hard at times, especially if the child has become accustomed to getting his way, but as the parent, you are allowed to use this word. This is actually the key to resilience: being able to cope with setbacks. Giving in to everything is doing our children a huge disservice.

Allowing failure

Sometimes we jump the gun and maybe without realising, step in and prematurely save the day. They will not always succeed in everything they do, and embracing mistakes and not always expecting perfection sends a positive message. Please take a look at the article that is highlighted on Slide 13: (Allowing failure).

Family Time

We cannot stress the importance of this enough - whether it be that every Saturday morning you all make it a routine to go out for breakfast (without devices at the table), or one night a week you order pizza as a family. Being connected to family is extremely important and in the busyness of life, unfortunately this can often be cast aside in our complex world.

Positive relationships

Encouraging this will hopefully help them realise what they want out of a friendship and what they give back to their friends and others in their lives. Who are the positive people in your sons’ lives? Why are they positive?

Positive role models

Does your son have a positive role model? Is there someone they can be more connected to who is a positive influence? Having significant mentors, such as sporting coaches, tutors, church elders or even other relatives, is very important for adolescents.

Modelling positive behaviour

Interactions between parents and from parents to children act as a model for how that child will behave and interact. We need to think about how we are ourselves. Are we asking our son to get off his phone when we are doing the same thing? Are we asking our child to get off digital media but we ourselves spend hours at night watching Netflix or free-to-air television? While expectations between adults and children can be different, it is an interesting point upon which we can reflect.

Working collaboratively to solve problems

The word collaboratively really needs to be emphasised, as it suggests that you work through a problem with your son together, rather than telling him what to do, e.g. if there is a disagreement with friends on the playground, do you get on the phone to the other parent or the school straight away or do you encourage your son to talk it out with the other boy? First do you give him a chance to see if he can resolve it? You can definitely provide guidance and offer support, but to jump in and solve it for him does not teach him how to deal with problems that come his way.

Strengths-based approach vs deficit model

Finally, as counsellors we work from a strengths-based approach rather than a deficit model. In layman's terms, this means that we look at the strengths and try to build on them rather than focusing on what our sons can’t do or don’t have. If you play to your child's strengths, you will be surprised at how other areas can improve as a result.

The parents in attendance last night certainly felt that they were supported and acquired some new tools to put in place with their children to help build resilience. We would highly encourage you to attend future forums, and if you have any further questions or concerns regarding our presentation, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Until next time,

Alessandro and Liza.